


Now I'm a guy, what will you do?

by NurikoEsuki



Category: Free!
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Bottom Tachibana Makoto, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Top Nanase Haruka, Trans Male Character, Trans!Haru
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-15
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-10 13:34:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17426855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NurikoEsuki/pseuds/NurikoEsuki
Summary: Despite being born a girl, Haruka is in love with her very gay childhood friend Makoto. She loves him enough to abandon being a girl and act like a guy in hope that one day HE will eventually be noticed. In spite of this, Makoto still gets a boyfriend rather than him. One day, Haruka dies in an accident and when he wakes up, he is now biologically male, but without any memories.





	1. It sucks.

Nanase Haruka is a girl.

Or at least, that’s how it was assigned in her birth certificate and how her parents as well as friends see her.

For Haruka herself, she could care less. Being a girl or boy didn’t matter as long as you get to swim.

At least that was what she thought before she started crushing on Makoto. Her sweet and kind childhood best friend. The one that had been with her ever since she could remember. The one who always cared for her and put her interests before himself.

After that incident on that night, when Makoto claimed that he liked both swimming _and_ her, Haruka was determined to confess to him. And she decided that it would be today – the Valentine’s Day, with a piece of self-made heart-shaped chocolate in her pocket. She came to his house and waited inside his room after his parents told her that he was taking a bath. Out of curiosity, she wandered through his bookshelves and desk to see if there was anything interesting he liked that he hadn’t told her before.

Which was when she saw them.

Hidden carefully behind a stack of study books, were erotic magazines. _Gay_ erotic magazines. Completed with lots of muscles, big dicks and anal sex.

Haru could almost hear her heart shattering and getting thrown into a trash bin.

_Holy shit, he’s gay._

_I will never have a chance with him._

“Sorry for making you wait, Haru – WOAHHHHH!!!” Makoto’s panicked shout was all she heard before the magazine on her hand was violently snatched away. Surprised, she lost her balance and fell on the floor. He squeezed the magazine tightly on his hand, breathed heavily and looked at her with fear.

“Makoto… You are gay.” She quietly said. He flinched and the fear in his eyes was even worse than before.

“Haru, I – I – “

“No, don’t worry. It… it was alright. I don’t care about your sexuality at all.” She quickly waved her hands. “It was just… I didn’t really expect this.”

“Yeah…” He replied with such a low voice she almost couldn’t hear at first. “I… I have never thought that I’m gay either… but after the times I noticed myself getting aroused at the boys in our swim club, I did some researches and…”

“I… see. And… Sorry for digging up your stuffs without permission.”

“It’s… It’s fine.”

They were both awfully quiet after that, Makoto out of embarrassment and Haru out of disappointment. When the silence grew too loud, Haru decided to break it.

“Want to play this new game with me, Makoto?”

“Is it the one you have told me about? ‘Plants vs. Zombies’?” Makoto looked up, his face showing clear relief about the change in topic.

“Yeah. A bunch of plants shooting peas and stuffs at a bunch of zombies, I think. People who played this say that it’s very interesting.” Haru showed him the CD containing the game. “Let’s play.”

“It really does sound fun, Haru!” Makoto smiled widely and turned on his computer, after which they played for two hours before Haruka excused herself to go home.

The chocolate in her pocket was left untouched.

================

“Haruka…” Her mother asked with clear hesitance. “Are you sure about this?”

“Yes. I want to buy the boy’s uniform. I just think that it would look better on me.”

“If you really want to…” She mutters before choosing one of the gakurans. “Go try it on.”

As Haruka went inside the dressing room, her mother sighed. Her daughter was really weird today. Not only did she decide to cut her shoulder-length hair short, she even requested to buy boys’ uniform. She wondered if she should worry about her daughter acting like this, but then decide to just let this slide. Haruka was probably just experimenting with the concept of gender now that she’s hitting puberty.

The door opened and Haruka stood in front of her, the gakuran looking a bit big on herself but overall looked incredibly fitting, and her short hair only complimented it. She was surprised at how much her daughter actually looked like a boy.

“I look like a boy?” Haruka questioned. Her mother realized that she had just voiced her thoughts out loud.

“Oh… yes. I almost thought that I’ve got a son for a moment there.” She awkwardly laughed.

“Is that so?” Haruka asked, seemingly pleased with herself. “Can I buy two more of this?”

“O – Of course.” She picked up two more gakurans before paying for them and took her daughter home, glancing at her worriedly all the way.

Haru knew that her mother was finding this weird, but she felt that this was necessary. Makoto was gay. If she kept acting like a girl, there was absolutely no chance for her to get him to like her back. She – no, **he** would always wear the boy’s uniform starting from now. And he would also buy bindings to suppress his growing breasts. And he would try his best to act manlier as well.

It was surprisingly easy to abandon thinking like a girl when you never cared about your gender in the first place.

==================

“H – HARU?!” Makoto’s scream almost pierced his ears and Haru furrowed his brows.

“You’re too loud, Makoto.”

“H – Haru, what’s with you?! Why are you dressed like that?!” He pointed wildly at the gakuran Haru was wearing. “And why did you cut your hair?!”

“She told me that she wanted to try something new… I know, I was surprised too, Makoto-kun.” His mother came standing next to him with an awkward smile.

“Is… Is that so…” Makoto widened his eyes before staring at Haru in amazement. Haru noticed that there was a faint blush on his cheeks. “You really look like a boy like this, Haru-chan…”

“Drop the ‘-chan’. And we should really be going to school now.”

“Oh! Yeah, I almost forgot!! We are leaving, oba-san!!” Makoto jolted out of his thoughts before saying goodbye to Haru’s mother and led him to school. All the way, Makoto kept on talking about how much Haru astonished him and how the teachers probably wouldn’t allow this. Haru listened, but his mind only really focused on how Makoto said that he looked like a boy earlier.

_This is working. He’s starting to see me as a boy._

Smiling in satisfaction, Haru was determined to keep this up until Makoto finally loved him back.

================

“Haru-chan, your swim is awesome as usual!!”

Not even a second after he got out of the pool and Nagisa already tackles him with a hug.

“Don’t do that, Nagisa/Nagisa-kun!!” Makoto and Rei yell at the same time.

“Eh? Why not?” Nagisa turns back to look at them, his face genuinely confused, while still hugging Haru.

“Haruka-senpai is a girl!! You shouldn’t hug her like that, it’s indecent!!” Rei chastises and tries to pull him away from Nagisa.

“Ehhh?! But Haru-chan is so cute!! And I like how soft yet firm at the same time her body is!!” Nagisa exclaims and feels Haru’s arms and waist to prove his point.

“Oi, Nagisa, don’t touch me that much…”

“That’s enough Nagisa!” Makoto pries his hand off Haru. “She doesn’t like it.”

“Urrgh…” Nagisa pouts before smirking. “Well, if I can’t touch Haru-chan, how about Rei-chan instead?”

“Wait, what are you – STOP THAT NAGISA-KUN!!! GOU-SAN, HELP ME!!!” Rei screams when Nagisa tackles him to the ground and begins to feel his chest. Haru and Makoto watch as Gou tries her best to pull Nagisa away in exasperation.

“Nagisa can really be such a handful sometimes.” Makoto sighs before looking at Haru in concern. “Do you mind him touching you, Haru?”

“Not really. It just feels awkward and ticklish.” He replies honestly.

“I’m glad you don’t. But still, you shouldn’t let him be too touchy to you. There should always be a respectful boundary between a boy and a girl.” Makoto smiles warmly and Haru notices he is sitting a bit farther from him, unlike when they were kids, when he would sit so close Haru could practically feel his breath.

“But that shouldn’t apply to me, should it? I’m practically one of you guys. I bet that people outside of our class won’t be able to tell that I’m a girl.” Haru retorts, furrowing his brows at the way Makoto distances him from them. “And that especially doesn’t apply to you. You’re gay. Why should you feel awkward about touching me?”

“Even when I’m gay, you’re probably not, and doesn’t it just feel weird to have a man you don’t like being too close to you, Haru?” Makoto asks him sincerely and Haru just wants to bang his head on the ground. _Oh my God Makoto, why would I feel weird when I practically yearn for your touch and affection._

“Speaking of that, Makoto…” Haru changes the topic. “Have you found any guy that piques your interest?”

Makoto blushes to his ears. “W – Well… Do you know Kirishima-kun?”

“The guy with green hair and red eyes who sometimes study P.E with our class?”

“Yes, it’s him. I plan to confess to him soon.”

 _Don’t do that, Makoto._ “When is ‘soon’? If you don’t act as early as possible, someone might take him away.” _Just like how he has taken you from me._

“I… I also want to do it quick… It’s just that I don’t really know what I should say to make him accept me. You know I’m not that good with words.”

“Just be honest. Tell him that you like him and that you hope you could go out.” Haru doesn’t even know why his mouth is acting on its own like this. Why is it offering advice when Haru’s brains want nothing more than to tell Makoto to give up?

“Haru…” Makoto looks at him with appreciation before his eyes turn determined. “Thanks so much for encouraging me. I will definitely confess to him this afternoon.”

 _No, oh God no._ “Good luck.” _Please don’t._

“Thanks again.” Makoto smiles brightly, a smile so warm and full of affection, but will never be of the affection he wants.

Haru just nods before glancing at the water, closes his eyes to not let his anger show. Ever since that day he found out that Makoto’s gay, he has dressed up as a boy for three years. The time is so long that he sometimes forgets that he started doing this for his best friend and actually enjoys being a boy. He has long forgotten that he used to be a girl. But Makoto hasn’t. He never has. No matter how much he tries to fit in and acts masculine, Makoto always finds a way to remind him that he’s a girl. Well, Rei, Rin and Gou also do, but it never hurts like when Makoto does.

_It hurts like Hell when I’m reminded that I will never be loved by Makoto because I’m biologically a girl._

He clenches his hand, desperately wishing for that Kirishima guy to turn Makoto down.

==================

“Guys!” Makoto exclaims happily while gesturing at the green-haired boy who’s smiling shyly. “I would like to introduce my boyfriend, Kirishima Ikuya.”

_Of course it would never go the way I wanted it to._

Nagisa, Rei, Rin and Gou all clap while murmuring excitedly about the couple. Today is the day that marks a month after they started going out and Makoto decided that it’s time he officially introduced Ikuya. The others start to ask them a bunch of questions, but Haru doesn’t hear a thing. He’s too occupied with how Ikuya intimately brushes on Makoto’s fingers and the affectionate looks Makoto send him all the while.

“You two look good together.” He suddenly says. They all turn to him in surprise because he has been quiet the whole time.

“Kirishima, Makoto told me about you before. He was pretty worried that you wouldn’t accept him if he confessed. I’m glad you proved him wrong.” Haru continues, wonders why this stupid mouth keeps acting on its own. Everyone’s got a good laugh out of that.

“Come on Haru, don’t embarrass me now.” Makoto taps his shoulder lightly while Ikuya replies with a warm smile.

“I’m glad too, Nanase.” Ikuya then proceeds to stare at him. “And… I’m sorry to ask this, but… Nanase, you are a girl, aren’t you?”

The question’s meant for Haru, but Makoto answers it. “Yes, she is.”

“According to Makoto-senpai, Haruka-senpai has been dressing like a boy since ninth grade.” Rei adds in. “A lot of people are just as confused about her as you are, Kirishima-san.”

“But I like Haru-chan just the way she is. It doesn’t matter how she dresses, she’s cute either way.” Nagisa pouts.

“No one mind the way Haru dresses here, Nagisa.” Rin lightly hits his head. “The only thing I mind is how some assholes would talk behind her back that she’s a weirdo.”

“I want to hit all of them.” Gou glares at nothing in particular while all the guys except Haru hums in agreement.

“It’s actually interesting to see a girl as handsome as you are. If Makoto hadn’t told me about you before, I would have thought that you were a guy.” Ikuya adds in, his face clearly amused. Haru nods but he just feels empty.

The introduction meeting went smoothly. Ikuya has proved to everyone that he’s nice and clearly capable of taking care of Makoto for the rest of his life, so everyone adds him as an official member of their friend group from then on. They spend the rest of the meeting chatting and laughing loudly with each other, but Haru just stays mostly quiet and occasionally joins in with his mouth talking yet his brain in somewhere else.

_I should have been the one to hold his hand like that. I should have been the one he could call a boyfriend._

_If only I had been born as a guy. Why do I have to be a girl? Why do I have to be born as a girl that loves a gay guy?_

_I want to get out of here. I can’t stand this anymore._

_I hate this so much. I hate everyone so much right now. Should I hate Makoto too? But I love him so I can’t hate him even though I really want to right now._

Haru’s thoughts keep scattering messily inside his head and even though he really wants to just get the hell out, he doesn’t want to make a scene. He remains seated until the end, torturing himself with the way Makoto and Ikuya keep lovingly looking at each other.

=================

“Woah, Mako-chan!! You plan on going on a date with Iku-chan this weekend?” Nagisa excitedly asks as they are going down the stairs.

“Uhm.” Makoto nods happily. “I think going to the aquarium is a good choice. Ikuya is really interested in sea life.”

“That’s so very considerate of you, Makoto-senpai.” Rei looks at Makoto with admiration.

“Eh, wait a minute! Haru-chan?! Why is she walking so fast without waiting for us?!” Nagisa points at a Haru who’s practically running away from them. Alarmed, Makoto and Rei start chasing after him.

Haru can hear their footsteps getting louder and louder behind him, but he just walks even faster. He thought that he could just ignore the whole Ikuya and Makoto ordeal, but the rage gradually grows inside him until reaching its breaking point today. The moment Makoto said that he was going on a date with Ikuya, Haru’s vision went red and he really could not take this anymore.

When he reaches the streets, a strong hand suddenly grabs his arm, jolts him out of his thoughts. Haru whips his head back and scowls when he realizes that it’s Makoto.

“Haru, what’s wrong?” Makoto asks him worriedly, but as Haru is blinded with rage right now, it just pisses him off.

“Nothing.” He mutters but Makoto grabs his shoulders.

“You wouldn’t act like this unless something was wrong.” He repeatedly shakes Haru. “Please, Haru-chan! Just tell me – “

“IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!”

Haru shouts so loud that the hands on his shoulders are off immediately. Makoto drops his hands and stares at him in shock before the hurt quickly appears in his eyes. From afar, Nagisa and Rei also look shocked at this.

“No, I…” Haru puts a hand on his forehead and sighs heavily. “Sorry, Makoto. I didn’t mean to shout at you. This is… just…”

“Haru-chan…” Makoto puts his hand on his shoulders again, this time much gentler than before. “What is troubling you? Please, just tell me.”

“No. Even if I tell you, you won’t be able to help. No one can.” Haru looks away. Seeing Makoto right now just hurts.

“What do you mean by that, Haru-chan?!” His voice become unstable and the grip on Haru’s shoulders tighten. Haru still looks away, but a sight from afar suddenly catches his eyes. Haru’s eyes immediately widens in alarm.

“LOOK OUT!!”

“Huh?!”

He can hear Makoto’s shocked voice behind him but right now, Haru’s mind focuses on a man who is walking lifelessly without noticing that a car is about to crash into him. Without a second thought, he immediately runs to him and uses all of his strength to push the man out of the way.

The car’s blinding light is all he can see before a loud screech reaches his ears.

Haru falls on the ground with a heavy thud, he feels pain all over his body but his head seems to have it the worst. He can actually feel a warm and wet feeling on his forehead and under his head. _Fuck… I’m bleeding._

“HARU-CHAN!!” “HARUKA-SENPAI!!”

Three voices scream at the same time and three silhouettes run to him.

_Nagisa, Rei and… Makoto?_

Haru feels someone picking him up and rests his back on their thighs. But his vision is too blurred to fully recognize who. His aching head isn’t helping.

“Haru-chan!! HARU-CHAN!!! Nagisa, Rei , call the ambulance!! Hurry up!!”

Oh… this voice. Makoto’s voice. He hasn’t heard him sounding so horrified ever since… ever since he almost drowned in that river trying to take back Yazaki’s scarf.

“Makoto…?” He tries his best to speak. He suddenly remembers the man he just saved. “Makoto… The man I saved… is he… alright?”

“He’s fine, Haru-chan. Don’t worry about it.” Makoto replies shakily. He’s always like that, always calling Haru with a “-chan”. He will have to reprimand him later… when his head isn’t hurting this much…

Wait… Makoto’s voice is weird… As if he’s crying…

Haru struggles to open his eyes and the first thing he sees was Makoto’s teary eyes.

_Damn it… I make him cry…_

“Don’t cry… Makoto…” Haru reaches his hand up to wipe Makoto’s tears, but instead it only hangs uselessly on his cheek.

“Haru-chan…” Makoto squeezes the hand on his cheek tightly and cries even more.

“Don’t cry… please…” A pain suddenly jolts in his head and all Haru sees is black.

_Seriously… I’m going to die here? Without even being able to at least let Makoto know of my feelings once?_

_This sucks so much._

Those were Haru’s last thoughts before his mind shuts down completely.

=============

He flutters his eyes before opening them. Greeting him is the beautiful blue sky, as clear as the water he always loves.

He slowly sits up with a strange feeling in his mind. It somehow feels so lost and confusing…

Oh, wait.

Who exactly is he?

He panics when he realizes that he knows almost nothing about himself. What’s his name? Where’s his family? Why is he here? He can’t remember.

The boy hurriedly stands up, looks around. He was lying on a grass field next to a river. A few miles behind the field are the streets. He quickly runs to the streets to see if someone could help him, but his stomach grumbles and halts his speed. He feels so hungry… as if he hasn’t eaten in years.

A lot of people are staring at the young boy clutching his stomach and wearing a ragged school uniform in worry, but only now does he realize how hard it would be to ask someone to help. What is he even going to say? _Can you please buy me food? I don’t have money._ That’s just ridiculous.

The thought of not knowing who he is still bothers him, but it’s not his main concern right now. The top priority is to look for food.

He keeps wandering aimlessly on the streets, searching for pieces of food that might be lying around, ignoring people’ weird stares all the while.

**End chapter 1.**


	2. Stop saying that they look similar already...

The cat stares at him. He glares back at it, or more exactly, the sandwich in its mouth.

He was going to take that sandwich! He saw it on the ground first! But the damn cat was faster and took it before he did. So he chased it to the corner of the street which leads to this current situation, where a guy and a cat are staring at each other with some people also staring at them.

“Give that to me, you filthy animal.” He demands and holds out a hand, but the cat just keeps looking as though it doesn’t understand what he means. Feeling agitated, he steps a little bit closer.

“I’m telling you to give that damn sandwich to me.” He repeats, this time with a much angrier tone.

By now, a decent amount of people have gathered around him to watch the scene. They whisper things like “What’s wrong with that guy?” “Why is he asking food from a cat?” and snicker in amusement but he pays no mind to them.

“Excuse me, what’s going on?” From a distance, he can hear a male voice. For some reasons, he finds it weirdly familiar, but he can’t remember who.

“Oh, nothing much. That’s just a really funny guy trying to steal a sandwich from a cat.”

 _Stealing?! Excuse me?! That cat is the thief here!!_ He growls and jumps at the cat, about to snatch the food from its mouth. What he didn’t expect, though, is that the cat decides to scratch him. It repeatedly scratch it claws on his face and hands.

“Ow! Ow!! You stupid idiot!! Stop… that… shit!!!” He screams in agony, trying to reach his hand to its mouth but in no avail. In the end, the cat escapes, leaving him still hungry but with a dozen of anger added in. Not to mention that it fucking hurts!!

“Hey, dude, you okay?”

“Poor guy. How hungry must he feel?”

People are whispering and laughing around him again but he suddenly finds it so hard to hear now. The hunger is taking its toll on his body and he feels his legs giving up, falling on the ground, losing consciousness.

“Oi, oi!! This is not good! The weird guy fainted!!”

“Someone calls the hospital or something!!”

The whispers get louder and more panicked, overall very noisy. Yet somehow, among all the noises, a small voice manages to reach his ears.

“Ha… Haru-chan…?!”

==================

He flutters his eyes once again and opens it, only to find that the sight greeting him is no longer the sky, but a ceiling of someone’s house. The soft feeling under his back tells him that he’s lying on a couch. The light from the light bulb makes him squint and turns his head to the left. There are four men, about five years older than him, sitting at a table and talking among each other in a hushed tone. Suddenly, one of the guys – a blond man – notices that he’s awake and stands up, startling the other men.

“Oi, Nagisa!! What’s with you – ”

“He’s woken up!!” Blond guy shouts and runs to him. After that announcement, the three other men also rush to his side. He stares at the men and tries to speak, his voice raspy from the lack of water: “Where am I…?”

“You’re in my café.” The brunet man among them replies with a small smile. “I found you lying on the streets.”

“Makoto said that if it hadn’t been because you were fighting with a cat over a sandwich, he wouldn’t have paid attention to you.” The red-haired man next to him says. “Geez, why were you even doing that?”

He blinks, now being reminded of his still empty stomach. “I… was hungry.”

“Did you not have any money for food?” The blue-haired man asks. He shakes his head, feeling a bit pathetic. At his response, the blond man quickly runs somewhere and comes back with a cream-filled bread along with a glass of water.

“Here, Haru-chan!!” He hands it to him with a bright smile. He accepts it with a small thank and wastes no time in tearing the bread apart.

“Nagisa-kun!! Please don’t call him that!! He’s not Haruka-senpai!!”

“But… but… he looks just like Haru-chan!!”

“Tch, I have to agree with Nagisa on this one… The guy looks like a perfect copy of Haru, if she were a guy.”

“Even so, it’s still not okay to call him that!! After all… Haruka-senpai is…”

“Shh!! Rei, don’t say that now!! Makoto will hear you!!”

As he munches on the bread, he notices the men are talking among themselves again. They speak too low but he can make out the general topic – he looks like someone they know. When he glances up, he sees that the brunet man is the only one not joining the conversation. As their gaze meet, the man smiles at him again. He feels oddly comfortable looking at the smile, yet for some reasons, he also thinks that the smile is supposed to look much brighter.

“I feel better now… thank you.” He says after finishing the bread and their attention is all on him once more.

“No problem Ha – I mean – uh, um, never mind!!” The blond man grins. He seems to be the most childish and excitable of them.

“Where is your house?” The red-haired man asks, playing with some keys in his hands. “I can drive you back.”

“I don’t know.” He shakes his head. All the men widen their eyes.

“You don’t know?! Then… what about your name?!” The blue-haired man exclaims. Once again, he shakes his head. They all share a worried look.

“I think he lost his memories.” The brunet man leans closer to him. “What can you remember?”

“Uhm…” He shuts his eyes tightly, trying his best to concentrate. “I… I am eighteen.”

“And?” The brunet patiently waits.

“I’m in high school… I can cook…”

“Is there anything else?”

After a long while of concentrating but nothing else comes out, he shakes his head once more. The men sigh.

“Can someone take this kid in?” The red-haired man crosses his arms.

“I and Nagisa-kun would be happy to have him at our place… but as I do experiments all the time, I’m worried that it could be dangerous for him if he touched the chemicals.” The blue-haired scratches his head. _Experiments?_ Only now does he pay attention to the white lab coat he’s wearing.

“I wouldn’t mind either, but I’m practically always out to take care of those stupid criminals. How could I just leave him alone?” The redhead groans. _Oh, so he’s a policeman?_

“He can stay with me, then.” The brunet states with a firm tone. He and the men look at him in surprise.

“You don’t mind me being with you?” He asks, his eyes blink repeatedly.

“On the opposite side, I would mind if you don’t stay with me and have nowhere to go.” The brunet smiles warmly.

“Oh… But, I don’t want to just stay. Can I work here?”

“What do you mean by ‘work’?” The blond man widens his eyes.

“He said that this is his café, and I can cook. So I want to work here.” He then quickly waves his hands. “I won’t ask for salary or anything!! You can just feed me and let me sleep here…” He has yet to finish his sentence but he feels someone ruffling his head. He looks up to see that the redhead is putting his hand on his head with a grin while the men all smile in amusement.

“You don’t have to feel like you must do something to earn your keep. I’m perfectly fine with just having you here.” The brunet puts a hand on his shoulder.

“No.” He says firmly. “I wouldn’t feel right if I just stay and mooch off you. Please let me work here.” They stare at each other for a few seconds before the brunet averts his gaze in defeat.

“Alright, then. You can work here. I am in need of a new chef anyway…”

“Thank you.” He nods in appreciation.

“Hey, hey!!” The blond man suddenly speaks again. “Shouldn’t we think of a name for him? Isn’t this weird to just call him ‘you’ all the time?”

“Oh, that’s right!!” The redhead exclaims. They all become quiet and concentrate to think of a name for him. _A name, huh?_ A fraction of memory suddenly appears in his mind.

_He has listened to this song a thousand of times, but he just can’t get tired of Shimazaki’s voice. If he could be reborn as a guy, he would want his voice to be just like that. And this Suzuki guy… He sounds just like…_

It strangely stops there and he can’t continue the thoughts. He looks up again to see that the men are bickering playfully about which name is better for him. They seem like a close-knitted friend group.

“Shimazaki.”

“Eh?!” They all turn to him. “Is that your name?!” The blue-haired man asks in excitement. “Did you just remember your name?”

“No… it’s not my name. But… that’s the only name I can remember for now.”

“I see…” The redhead mutters before grinning widely. “Well, nice to meet you, Shimazaki. I’m Matsuoka Rin. That blond is Hazuki Nagisa. The glasses guy is Ryugazaki Rei, and lastly, Tachibana Makoto.” He points to each one and stops at the brunet, each of whom waves at him.

“It’s nice to meet you, too.” He nods. “And, once again, thank you very much for helping me.”

“Welcome.” The three men stands up, saves for Tachibana. “Well, now that all is well, I think we should go. See you later, Makoto!” Matsuoka says and the other two also bid their goodbyes.

“Uhm! See you, guys!” Tachibana waves at them until they have walked out of the door. Shimazaki stares at their back. Now that he knows their names, it feels like he’s getting his grasp on something…

“Shimazaki-kun?” Tachibana asks when he notices that Shimazaki has been staring at the door for way too long.

“Tachibana-san, I’m just wondering…” He turns back to the brunet. “You said that this is your café but it looks like just a living room to me…”

“This is my apartment, directly above the café. This area is the “living room” area, like you said.” Tachibana replies kindly. “My bedroom is over there. There’s a spare futon for you to sleep.” He then reaches out a hand. “Seeing that you will be living here until you regain your memory, why don’t I show you around?” “

Thank you…” He holds Tachibana’s hand. Even this action seems familiar somehow.

Tachibana shows him around his apartment. It’s not too big but organized enough and cozy. He then leads Shimazaki under to the actual café, and Shimazaki notes that the café also gives the same cozy feelings as the apartment above. There are about 10 tables, each with 2 chairs, probably to make sure that there are not too many customers to serve properly. He wonders why there is no customer in the place, but then he looks outside and sees that it’s gone dark, while the clock on the wall points at 9. They probably don’t open beyond this hour.

“This is the kitchen.” Tachibana says, points at the stoves and the utensils. “Plates and glasses are kept here. Pots and pans here. Spoons, chopsticks and forks, here. The ingredients are kept in these two fridges, this one for raw while this one is for desserts. Have you memorized them?”

“Yes.” He replies and gets a nod of approval.

“Can you make something for me, then?” Tachibana pulls out a menu. “How about mackerel fried rice?”

“Of course.” Shimazaki opens the fridge to take out some eggs and mackerel while also quickly take the rice from the cooker. Tachibana watches his skilled movements in awe.

“Wow. Shimazaki-kun, you are amazing.”

“Thank you.” He slices the mackerel to small pieces. “If you don’t mind me asking, Tachibana-san, how old are you?”

“Uh… I’m 23. Why do you ask?”

“You have a café on your own when you are this young. That’s the amazing thing.” Shimazaki pours the egg mixture to the pan that already has the rice and mackerel.

“This is actually my uncle’s café… But he and his family moved to another country, so he left this café in my care permanently.” Tachibana scratches his head sheepishly.

“It’s still awesome that you can manage it well.” He sets the fried rice plate on the table Tachibana is sitting at. “Here, all done.”

“What?! Already?!” Tachibana stutters and shakily picks up a spoonful to taste. Once it’s in his mouth, his eyes widen to a shocked expression.

“What’s wrong, Tachibana-san? Is it not good?” Shimazaki asks worriedly. Tachibana swallows the food quickly and smiles at him.

“No, it’s wonderful! I was just so astonished that you can cook that well!!” He pushes the plate near to Shimazaki. “Shall we share this?”

“Sure.” Shimazaki also takes a spoon and sits down across to Tachibana, quietly eats the rice with him. Everyone has been acting strange around him, and Tachibana is probably the one that’s most obvious about it. Is it because he looks like that friend they mentioned earlier?

==============

“You need to take a bath and change your clothes, Shimazaki-kun.” Tachibana says when they are in his apartment again, his hand picking out some outfits in the wardrobe. “I think this would look good on you.” He then hands him a blue sweater and black knee-length pants. “These were my friend’s old clothes, but she doesn’t need them anymore. I would like to give you mine, but mine might be too big for you.”

“ _She?_ ” Shimazaki tilts his head in confusion. “Tachibana-san… Why do you give me woman’s clothes?”

“Oh no, no, it’s not like that!!” Tachibana waves his hand in panic. “These are guys’ clothes, don’t worry!! She’s a girl, but she dressed like a boy all the time.”

“Thanks…” Shimazaki takes the outfit from Tachibana, but a thought suddenly appears in his head. “Tachibana-san, this friend of yours… I accidentally overheard from your friends earlier that I looked like a ‘Haru-chan’… Is that her?”

He doesn’t miss the way Tachibana immediately goes rigid, his eyes darken while his hand closes into a fist. A small part of him regrets bringing this up and he wonders if he’s just asked something he really should not have. But almost right away, Tachibana looks up at him with a strained smile.

“Yes… It’s her. It’s our friend, Haru.”

“Did something… bad… happen to her?” Shimazaki decides to push his luck and asks an even worse question.

“You can say that.” His expression is even more strained. “I really don’t want to talk about this, if that’s okay.”

“I’m sorry, Tachibana-san.”

“It’s alright. Go to the shower, Shimazaki-kun.” Tachibana nods and motions to the bathroom. Shimazaki steps inside and goes straight to the bathtub, soaks himself there with warm water. His thoughts slowly drift to the “Haru” issue. Judging by Tachibana’s reaction, his best guess is that this “Haru” woman is dead, and everyone else doesn’t take that well. Then… Isn’t it such a wonderful coincidence that he just happened to faint and be found by these people whose dead friend looked exactly like he does?

Shimazaki looks down at his reflection in the water. Straight, short black hair with bangs that sweep to the left side of his face and blue eyes. “Haru” looked just like this? Well, who is he to say that he is probably not this “Haru” reincarnated –

Wait. That… could that be?

He’s a man who lost his memories, but he oddly doesn’t have much of a desire to regain them. Most people might be worried about their family and friends that must be worried for them, yet he doesn’t really have any thought about it. It’s as though he unconsciously knows that they are not expecting him back. What he _does_ have though, is an urge to complete something. He doesn’t know what, but he feels like he must do something.

And that urge only comes to him after he met these men. Especially Tachibana.

So… Is he a male reincarnation of this “Haru” woman, who decided to come back to life to settle unfinished things with her friends?

Shimazaki snorts at his ridiculous thought as he steps out of the bathtub and begins to dry himself. There’s no way he could be “Haru”. He doesn’t feel so familiar being near Tachibana and the others even if some nostalgic thoughts did come to his mind earlier; and most importantly, he’s a guy.

As he put on the clothes given to him, he suddenly remembers that these were Haru’s clothes. But there is nothing feminine about the outfit. He glances at the mirror. The outfit fits him almost perfectly and he still looks masculine.

Tachibana mentioned that Haru dressed like a boy all the time. Could it be that she hated being a girl? If that’s the case, Shimazaki being her – no, _his_ reincarnation might not be so far-fetched…

Shimazaki smacks a hand on his forehead. This is way too confusing and unbelievable. Let’s not think about this any longer and instead focus on trying to work his best at Tachibana’s café. His memories and goals in life can wait.

Tachibana is sitting at the couch when he steps outside, a futon in his hand. As the sight of Shimazaki, he stands up and smiles. “Shimazaki-kun, do you mind sleeping in the same room with me? It’s fine if you want to take the couch instead, but it’s not as warm as my bedroom…”

“I don’t mind.” He replies curtly. Tachibana nods and leads him to the bedroom. Even though Tachibana is a 23-year-old adult, his room looks more like a high-schooler’s. There are bookshelves, a study desk with a computer next to it, and a bed placed neatly next to the wall. Shimazaki lays the futon on the ground and is about to lie down, but something catches his sight. On Tachibana’s desk, there’s a photo of a younger him, smiling much more brightly than the current one, along with a person having black hair and blue eyes just like Shimazaki does. It’s probably the Haru guy, and even he is astonished at how much Haru looked like him, minus that Haru’s eyes were bigger.

“Tachibana-san, is that Haru-san?” He points at the picture.

“Huh? Oh, yes… How nostalgic. I took that picture with her when we were on 12th grade.” Tachibana looks at the picture affectionately, but also with underlying sadness. Shutting his eyes tightly, he then turns to Shimazaki. “You don’t have to call me Tachibana anymore. Just ‘Makoto’ will do.”

“Then… Goodnight, Makoto-san.”

“You too, Shimazaki-kun.”

They both lie down and Shimazaki closes his eyes, falls asleep immediately. Today tires him out in all ways, and the whole him-possibly-being-Haru’s-reincarnation thing doesn’t help one bit.

================

Makoto waits a few minutes to make sure that Shimazaki has completely fallen asleep, then sits up and comes to sit next to the futon, watching Shimazaki’s sleeping face. No matter how many times he looks at it, that’s Haru’s face. Everything about their facial features is exactly the same, minus for Shimazaki’s more pronounced jaw line and less puffy cheeks, but that’s it.

He thinks of this afternoon when he first encountered the boy. When he found out that a strange guy was fighting with a cat, he didn’t pay much attention to it, but the guy fainting right away after that struck his curiosity. And the moment Makoto found his way through the crowd and looked at the boy’s face, he felt a chill ran down his spine. _Haru-chan?!_ His first thought was that before he shook it off immediately. Haru was dead. He was at her funeral, crying all of his tears and his heart out. And yet lying right here was a guy with an exactly similar face.

An ambulance arrived shortly afterwards, but Makoto stood up and told them that the boy was his acquaintance. He decided to find out if this person had anything to do with his dead Haru. He brought him to the café, took care of his wounds and called Nagisa, Rei and Rin over to see him. He was lucky that this day was the monthly off day of the café, or else he would be too distracted by the strange boy to serve his customers properly. When the guys came, their reactions were more or less just like his – shocked and horrified at the striking resemblance. And as Shimazaki woke up and actually started speaking, the resemblance went off the window. Aside from him being a bit more talkative and less prone to scowling than her, their personalities were even the same.

Makoto wants to delusion himself that his Haru has been reborn, even if she is a guy now. He almost wishes that Shimazaki will never regain his memories so that Makoto can stay with him forever, if only to always keep that face on his sight. But the selfish thoughts terrify him. There is also a possibility that Shimazaki is just a normal boy with a family waiting for him somewhere else, and he can’t prevent him from reuniting with them for the sake of his own twisted desires.

Makoto looks down at Shimazaki’s face again, feeling something wet running down his cheeks. He tries to blink the tears off, but they just keep on flowing uncontrollably.

_Just for now… Please let me dream a bit longer, Haru-chan…_

He leans close to Shimazaki and places a small kiss on his forehead.

“Goodnight, Haru-chan.”

He whispers, then goes back to his own bed and closes his eyes, crying in his sleep the whole night.

 

**End of chapter 2.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading and leaving kudos! Please leave me a comment as well so I can know what you think!!


	3. Be more careful!!

_“Hey.”_

_He turns his head to the direction of the voice calling him. There’s no one there._

_“Are you enjoying your new life so far?”_

_“Who on earth are you?” He scrunches his brows in annoyance._

_“Oh, you forgot everything. Just as we expected.” The voice makes a small ‘tsk’ sound. “Even so, your instinct must be telling you something, is it not?”_

_“I’m asking again, who the hell are you?!”_

_“Remember, my boy, your time is limited.” The voice promptly ignores his question. “Act as fast as you can, or you will waste this second chance.”_

_“What do you mean by that?! Oi!!”_

===================

“Shimazaki-kun? Shimazaki-kun?!” Shimazaki feels himself being shaken and he opens his eyes to see Makoto looming over him.

“Are you alright, Shimazaki-kun?” He asks. “I heard you shouting in your sleep… Did you have a nightmare?”

“I don’t think so… the dream wasn’t scary, but there was a very annoying voice that kept telling me to do something fast.” Shimazaki puts his hand on his forehead and groans.

_‘Rude.’_

What the…?! Shimazaki turns back only to see that there’s nothing behind him.

“Well, now that you’ve woken up, go get ready. We are opening in half an hour.” Makoto reaches a hand to him. Shimazaki holds it, feeling that there’s something strange that always goes up inside him whenever Makoto does this. Makoto hands him a chef uniform which he asks him to put on and tells him to go downstairs when he’s done. As he reaches the café below, he can hear loud and excited chatter inside the kitchen. Shimazaki peeks inside to see two redheads – more accurately, a redhead in a similar chef uniform and a pink-haired guy that looks like cotton candy wearing butler clothes.

“Oh?! A new face!!” The redhead exclaims when he sees Shimazaki stepping in the kitchen wearing his chef uniform. “Makoto, when did you hire him?!”

“I just did yesterday! Seeing that Sousuke won’t be able to work with us anymore, Shimazaki-kun is here to fill the position.” Makoto’s voice comes out from somewhere he can’t make out.

“It’s nice to meet you. I’m Shimazaki.” Shimazaki bows down to the two.

“Ah, he looks so cool!!” The cotton candy guy walks to him and slings an arm around his shoulders. “I’m Shigino Kisumi!!”

“And I’m Shiina Asahi!!” The redhead pats his shoulders. “Let’s get along well, okay?!”

“Of… Of course.” He replies, feeling a bit uneasy about how physically affectionate the two, especially Shigino, are.

“I see you guys are getting along well.” Makoto speaks up again and as Shimazaki turn back now, he can see him clad in a butler uniform.

“Makoto-san, you also work?” He asks in bewilderment, not expecting this.

“It would be boring just sitting in one place watching my people work.” Makoto scratches his head sheepishly. “Besides, this also helps me get closer to my customers.”

“That’s right, but another thing is that the ladies love seeing two hot guys serving them!!” Shigino laughs cheerfully while holding Makoto’s hand. Shimazaki suddenly feels something being agitated inside him as he stares at their hands intertwining.

“Give me a break, Kisumi!! Stop being so full of yourself!!” Shiina points an accusing finger at his pink-haired friend, who only sticks out his tongue.

“Now, now, you two!!” Makoto tells them off gently. “Asahi, you will be working with Shimazaki-kun from now on, so please show him around if there’s anything he’s unsure of, alright?”

“Leave it to me!!” Shiina salutes and turns to him. “Shimazaki, your senpai here will teach you everything!”

“Please.” Shimazaki bows lightly, yet he can’t help but glances to his side where Makoto and Shigino are playing around with each other.

“Oh, it’s five minutes to the opening time.” Makoto looks up at the clock. “Well, I and Kisumi will be going outside.”

“OK!” Shiina holds up his thumb then turns to Shimazaki with an interested look. “So how did Makoto find you?”

“Oh, well… It might sound unbelievable, but I lost my memories and wandered around until I fainted. Makoto-san found me and asked me to stay with him until I remember, and I requested to be working here as a thanks.”

“No way?!” Shiina exclaims in shock. “That… wow, that really is unbelievable!! So… you know absolutely nothing about yourself?!”

“Yes.” Shimazaki nods. “In fact, even the name ‘Shimazaki’ is just something I faintly remembered, but it’s not even my name. And my family, my friends… I really don’t know anything about them.”

“Poor kid…” Shiina pats his shoulders sympathetically. “Well, uh… I think this might sound wrong, but you have us now, so don’t worry too much! I’m sure you will remember everything soon!!”

“Thank you, Shiina-san.”

“Just ‘Asahi’ is fine!!”

“Asahi-san.”

“That’s it!!” Asahi gives an approving nod.

“Asahi, Shimazaki-kun?” Shigino suddenly pops inside the kitchen. “Two pork cutlet bowls, an iced coffee and a cup of lemon tea, please?”

“Alright! Shimazaki, I will be making the food while you make the drinks, is that fine?” Asahi turns to him, which Shimazaki nods at and starts his job. They keep working for hours, the customers are not that many that they have no time to rest a little, but they aren’t just a few either. It seems that Makoto’s café is somewhat well-known in town and people come here often, whether for the food or for the attractive brunet waiter, he can’t tell. And yes, he does think that Makoto _is_ attractive, there’s just no denying that. All the while, he and Asahi have become more in sync with each other in cooking and he feels a bit closer to the overly excited redhead; yet somehow he still can’t find himself thinking more positively of Shigino. The pink-haired guy is not a bad person or anything, but something about him makes Shimazaki uncomfortable, especially when he touches Makoto in that overly friendly way of his. Although he quickly finds out that Shigino is overly friendly with everyone, especially when he hugs him in pity after Shimazaki shortly explains how he lost his memories, he still doesn’t like it about him.

“Oh my…!” Shigino groans after the customers have finally decreased and they reach 6:30 PM. “I know that I have worked here for almost a year, but I still can’t find myself getting used to just how many people come here!!” He shakes his arms a little. “My arms are dying!!”

“Come on, stop whining! You always say that and yet you still work here!!” Asahi snaps at him playfully, massaging his own aching arms. “I agree on that dying arms part, though!!”

There are only 6 customers now, they have already been served and no one else has come in, so the four men decide to take a small break. Shigino and Asahi have been chattering with each other restlessly while Makoto occasionally joins in gently to stop them from arguing. Shimazaki just sits back on a chair and watches them with mild interest.

“How do you feel about your first day, Shimazaki-kun?” Makoto turns to him with a smile. “Are you tired, too? I know sometimes the customers might get too overwhelming, but that’s only on the good days like today. There are usually less people than this.”

“It is indeed tiring, but I think I can manage. Working like this is fun.” Shimazaki replies honestly. It seems that the three enjoy his reply if their large grins are any indication. Asahi starts ruffling his head while Shigino begins sitting next to him a bit too close for his liking, but at least this means they like him so he doesn’t object. He glances at Makoto, who’s watching his newest employee being cooed at with an expression of amusement, and strangely feels at ease. He’s been feeling very comfortable around Makoto even though they’ve just met for almost two days and he has no idea why.

“Hi there, you guys!!” A blond head suddenly pops up next to the kitchen’s door and Shimazaki recognizes him as Hazuki, one of Makoto’s friends yesterday.

“Yo, Nagisa! Did you come with Rei and Rin again?” Asahi greets him back.

“Yup!! We would like the usual, please!!” Hazuki cheerily orders and Asahi tells Shimazaki to help making one strawberry cake, one salad and an omelet. The three other men must come here often, he thinks as he glances at the cotton candy drags the brunet and the blond outside and soon there are sounds of excited chatter outside.

“Thank you for all of these!!” The blue-haired man – Ryugazaki if he’s not mistaken – looks at him and Asahi with a grateful smile as the two carry their orders out. The other customers have already left so this circle of friends is the only ones here. Shimazaki nods at him and chooses a seat a bit farther from the table they are all being around, feeling a little lost due to not being close with any of them.

“This is Zakki-chan’s first day, isn’t it? Zakki-chan, have you been doing well?” Hazuki asks as he’s shoving cake into his mouth.

“Zakki-chan?” He and Makoto ask at the same time while the others look at him confusedly.

“Well, I figure that calling him ‘Shimazaki’ is too much of a mouthful, so I shorten it!!” Hazuki proudly says as if it’s obvious. Shimazaki is not sure what to feel about this, but judging by the guys fondly shaking their heads, Hazuki nicknaming others like this is a common occurrence. “

The customers got a bit overwhelming sometimes, but I managed it, and it was fun to work like this.” He earnestly replies.

“That’s great!” The other redhead, Matsuoka, says with a relieved voice. “You will be here until you regain your memories after all, so it’s good that you get used to the work quickly.”

“About that issue…” Ryugazaki nudges his glasses. “I have been wondering if Shimazaki-kun’s memory loss was caused by a concussion to the head. It is one of the most common causes of memory loss. If that’s the case, I can help him examining his brains to see if I can do anything.”

“That sounds plausible, Rei, but when I first found him, there had been no injury on his head at all.” Makoto says.

“Zakki-kun, do you remember being hit on the head before?” Shigino leans in to ask him. Shimazaki contemplates for a moment before shaking his head. “I can’t remember. And I don’t think I’ve ever been hit there before.” He replies, watching the guys’ faces become disappointed before they start a discussion about just what made him lost his memories. His eyes wander around absently until setting on the table, where Matsuoka’s plate of omelet is still untouched, and he feels like something is missing. Oh, yes, if there could be some ketchup on it…

“Matsuoka-san, would you like some ketchup on your plate?” He asks and Matsuoka looks at him in surprise before nodding.

“Ah, Shimazaki-kun, the bottle of ketchup in the kitchen has run out. I bought a new one yesterday but I forgot to put it in the kitchen. Could you bring it here for me? I leave it in the brown cupboard upstairs.” Makoto calls out to him when he’s about to step in the kitchen and he changes his directions to the stairs instead. He can faintly hear Asahi and Shigino excuse themselves to go home seeing that there seems to be no more customers, and Matsuoka’s frantic comments of ‘I swear, it’s so creepy to have someone looking like Haru of all people speaking so politely to me!!’

When Shimazaki goes back downstairs, for some reasons, he trips. He misses a step and finds himself falling to the ground below with a loud thud. His yelp and the loud sound make the men turn to his direction and they rush toward him in concern.

“SHIMAZAKI-KUN!!” Makoto’s the first to come to his side and he frantically helps him sit up, his voice panicked. “Are you alright?! What happened?!”

“Ouch…” Shimazaki groans in pain, unconsciously reaches his hand to his aching forehead only to find that it’s bleeding. Suddenly, something jolts inside his mind, something like a fraction of memory. He widens his eyes and tries to hold on to it despite the annoying ache.

“Zakki-chan!!”

“Rin-san, can you please give us a ride to my office?! I want to check on Shimazaki-kun to make sure he doesn’t have a concussion!!”

“On it!! You guys, help him out!!” Matsuoka stands up quickly and Shimazaki finds himself being lifted up on Makoto’s back, who quickly picks him up on a piggyback and rushes to the door.

“Wait… I’m alright, you don’t have to…” He weakly calls out. It hurts as hell but he doesn’t think that he will collapse.

“No, you must let us check you up!!” Hazuki snaps sternly which has him a bit surprised at how serious the cheerful blond can be. “What if this is a serious injury?!”

They quickly help him get in Matsuoka’s car and Matsuoka immediately drives at a high speed to Ryugazaki’s office. During the ride, Makoto and Hazuki tend on his forehead and bandage it up to stop his bleeding. Even in his hazy state of mind, Shimazaki can still feel his hand being held tightly by a trembling one and he glances to his side to see that it’s Makoto’s hand, who is looking at him with both worry and fear.

“Makoto-san… I’m alright.” He whispers weakly. Makoto nods with a gaze that shows he doesn’t believe him at all, the grip on his hand tightens.

When they get to the office, they rush him to the X-ray scanner and scan his brain. Throughout the process, his mind wanders back to the memory that just came to his head earlier.

\---------------

_“Hey, […].”_

_“Yes, […]-chan?”_

_“Drop the ‘-chan’. You don’t seem fine today. What happened?”_

_“It’s… It’s nothing, really. We should be heading to the pool –”_

_“[…].” He grabs the other boy’s hand – for some reasons, all the names are drown out from his mind and he can’t hear a single one. “Don’t lie. Tell me.”_

_“… Some upperclassmen badmouthed you today. They called you a freak for wearing boys’ uniform even though you’re a girl.”_

_“…”_

_“I… I really didn’t like it, so I told them off… And they asked me why I bothered hanging out with you, and if I also like girls’ clothes…” The boy grips his shirt tightly. “Then they badmouthed you again… I don’t care if they made fun of me, but I don’t want you to be…”_

_“[…], I feel the same way. I don’t care if they talk badly about me at all, so… just ignore them next time.”_

_“But […]-”_

_“I don’t care if the other consider me a weirdo, it doesn’t matter… What matters is that I have you to be my friend.”_

_“[…]…”_

_“Only your opinions matter.”_

_“[…]-chan…” From the tone of his voice, he can tell that the boy is smiling at him. But somehow, his face is completely blurred, just like how he can’t hear the names despite straining his ears._

\--------------

“Shimazaki-kun?”

He blinks his eyes, returns to reality. Ryugazaki is gently shaking his shoulders and gives him a look of relief. “Thank God that you only injured the outside part of your head. Your brain is completely undamaged.”

“Oh…” He breathes out. From the corner of his eyes, he can see that Matsuoka, Hazuki and Makoto are also relief with this.

“Shimazaki, try to be careful next time!!” Matsuoka scolds him, though not unkindly, he can hear the worry in his voice very clear. “You scared us as hell!!”

“That’s right Zakki-chan!!” Hazuki has that stern but concerned look again. “We wouldn’t want you to injure yourself more when you still don’t remember a thing.”

“I’m sorry. Thank you for worrying about me.” He bows and notices that Makoto is still silent. He stares at Shimazaki as though thinking that he will suddenly die at any time. He doesn’t even know how he read that from his stare, he just _knows._ He slowly makes his way to where Makoto’s sitting, takes his trembling hand in his and squeezes it lightly. Makoto flinches at the action.

“Makoto-san, don’t worry anymore. Ryugazaki-san already says that I’m fine.” Shimazaki tries to speak as gently and reassuringly as possible. Makoto blinks a few times then softens his gaze, and his eyes are twinkling as though he’s about to cry.

“Y-Yes… Shimazaki-kun is alright…” Makoto holds his hand with both hands, lowers his head. “I’m so glad…” He tries to hold it in, but he eventually sobs into Shimazaki’s hand. Shimazaki tries to sooth his back to help him stop crying, wondering why he reacts so strongly to him falling down the stairs, and why he can feel his cheeks heating up a bit at the warmth of Makoto’s hands in his.

=============

In the end, Rin drives the rest of them home and along with Nagisa and Rei, repeatedly tell Shimazaki be more careful or they will have to deal with another memory loss. If this happens to anyone else, Makoto can say that they are overreacting, but… this is Shimazaki. The boy with Haru’s face, who died exactly because of an unexpected accident just like that. Makoto feels a chill down his spine just thinking about that, and in spite of his best efforts to forget, the horrible memories of that day show up in his head again.

\-----

_“Haru-chan!!! HARU-CHAN!!! No, please… Don’t die!! HARU-CHAN!!!”_

_Makoto screamed at the top of his lungs when Haru’s eyes closed and her body went limp in his arms. He repeatedly shook her and screamed at her to wake up, to please look at him, but she remained unresponsive, her head still bleeding. He put a shaking hand on her chest to check and felt himself went numb. Her heart wasn’t beating._

_It took three nurses to separate him from Haru because he kept on clinging to her despite them telling him to let go. On the way to the hospital, Nagisa and Rei were sobbing uncontrollably, the man whom Haru saved sit across to them with worry and anxiousness in his eyes. Makoto, though, felt surprised at how silent he was. He expected himself to cry like Nagisa and Rei but no tears came out and he had a strangely calm feeling. Of course, later on, he realized that he had been in denial and in a false hope that Haru would be alright. She would be healed and be able to hang out with them just like they always did._

_Which was why when the surgeons and the nurses hung their head low, whispering words of apologies and that they couldn’t have done anything more for her, Makoto felt his heart shattered. He stared at Haru’s unmoving body on the bed, his lips twitching as though itching to scream, to ask if this was a joke, a very bad joke, because she looked so peaceful, she looked like she was just sleeping, but nothing came out._

_For the three days that they prepared for her funeral, Makoto found himself in a numb state of mind. He had just been in the hospital before, then he appeared in front of Haru’s parents along with his friends telling them about how their daughter died, and now he found himself suddenly in the church where they arranged her funeral and prayed for her soul. Among the vast crowd of people, he could see his parents trying to calm the loudly bawling Ran and Ren while trying to stop their own sobs, see Haru’s mom sobbing on the floor while her dad tried his best to soothe his wife, could see Nagisa and Rei burying their trembling head in Gou’s chest, whose face was wet with tears, and Rin who was trying to put on a strong façade but his teary eyes betrayed it. Looking at his right, he could also see his boyfriend Ikuya and his brother Natsuya who were trying to suppress their own grieves. It turned out that the man Haru saved was Ikuya’s brother and they both couldn’t thank her enough for that, for saving someone she didn’t even know. The thought put a small smile on Makoto’s face even though he knew he wasn’t supposed to be smiling in a situation like this. He just felt so proud of his Haru. She was brave, she was kind even if she wasn’t the best at showing it, and Makoto could never find a better friend than her…_

_His numb mind only jolted back to reality when they were about to bury her coffin. Without a second thought, he ran after them and suddenly found a hand violently grabbing him, dragging him back. Then, someone slapped his face. Makoto blinked his eyes and he looked up to see Rin’s furious face, wetting with tears._

_“MAKOTO, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! ARE YOU GOING TO JUMP IN WITH HER?!!” He shouted and only now did Makoto realize what he had just done. Rin squeezed his eyes shut to try to calm himself down and opened his eyes again with a gentler, more heartbreaking gaze. “Makoto… I know you aren’t taking this well, just like we all are right now, but… you just have to accept it. Haru is dead. She isn’t going to come back.”_

_Haru is dead. Haru is dead…? The words stabbed his heart continuously until the heavy extent of the truth finally weighed down on him and Makoto found a tear escaped his eyes. Then he slumped to the ground, bawled loudly, buried his face in his hands and sobbed heavily, streams of tears pouring down like rain on his face._

_“Haru-chan… Haru-chan… Haru-chan… Haru-chan…!!!” Makoto kept on calling her name in despair, hoping that she would magically answer with that familiar ‘Stop the –chan.’ like she always did. A hand was put on his shoulders and he found Ikuya leaning close to him, hugging him lightly._

_“Makoto…” He could tell that Ikuya was crying, too, but he still tried to comfort him. He gripped on his boyfriend’s shirt, still bawling, not sure if he would stop. He kept crying until he found himself totally exhausted and fell asleep, dreamt of Haru being alive after all. He just wanted to be in this dream forever; he didn’t want to wake up in a world without her, without his Haru…_

\--------

“Makoto-san.”

Shimazaki’s light voice drags Makoto out of his thoughts and he realizes that he has been sitting on his bed unmoving for a while. Shimazaki is sitting next to him, his brows furrowed in concern, forehead still wrapped in bandages. Just looking at him makes his heart ache. Right now, the boy in front of him reminds him of that time Haru died too much, and he can’t help but fearing that one day this boy would die, too.

“Oh, I’m sorry, Shimazaki-kun. I must have spaced out for quite a while, huh?” Makoto tries to chuckle to ease the heavy atmosphere, but it does nothing to ease the worry in the boy’s eyes. He stares at Makoto a bit more before taking his pillow on the bed.

“Makoto-san, would you mind if I sleep next to you tonight?” Shimazaki asks and Makoto feels surprised but nods anyway. Nodding back, Shimazaki guides Makoto to the inner part of the bed while he lies down on the outer part. Makoto’s bed is for one person so they are lying a bit close to each other, and he blushes at the feeling of Shimazaki’s warmth next to him. Suddenly, Shimazaki holds his hand and squeezes it again, stares directly at Makoto’s widened eyes.

“Makoto-san, don’t worry. I’m right here. I’m alright.” He speaks with a sincere voice. Makoto realizes that he’s trying to comfort him and he feels so ironic. Shimazaki is the one who’s just been injured and yet Makoto is being comforted. He smiles weakly, glances at Shimazaki’s serene face and squeezes his hand back.

“Yes… I’m so glad that you’re okay, Shimazaki-kun.”

_Because I won’t be able to bear it if something happens to you._

 

 

**End chapter 3.**


	4. I like being with you.

**Chapter 4**

 

It’s been a week since the falling downstairs incident and Shimazaki can tell that Makoto is keeping more of an eye on him now. Not just him, actually – Nagisa, Rei and Rin (they asked him to use their first names) – also watch him like a hawk whenever they stop by for their dinner – he’s learned that this is a daily thing, they will come over around six thirty. Shimazaki feels rather weirded out by how… overprotective, is that the right word to describe this, they are being to him, and it seems they have noticed his dismay, so one evening after all the other customers as well as Shigino and Asahi have left, the four men call him over and ask him to listen to them.

 

“Okay, Zakki…” Rin starts, looking at him seriously. “I know that we’ve been scrutinizing all your movements as though you’re a criminal or something, but… there’s a reason for this.”

 

“Shimazaki-kun, you… look like an old friend of us, Haruka-senpai.” Rei nudges his glasses and hesitantly says, glancing at Makoto all the while, as if fearing the brunet’s reaction.

 

“Haru-chan died in an accident.” Nagisa is uncharacteristically solemn, but it’s totally understandable in a situation like this. “We… don’t want anything like that happen again, especially to someone who looks just like her, so we might have been too overprotective, but please understand, Zakki-chan.”

 

“I understand.” Shimazaki nods, he’s been expecting as much. “I’m also sorry for the incident earlier and I will try my best to not get into a situation like that again.” He glances at everyone and stops at Makoto who only gives him a small smile. “But can I ask something? How much do I look like Haruka-san?” Even though he’s seen the picture in Makoto’s desk, the light was dim back then and he didn’t make out too much of her – _his?_ – features, only that they do look a bit alike.

 

Everyone goes quiet at that, until Makoto takes out a small photo from his wallet and walks over to him, let him see. It’s a photo of only Haruka’s face, and as it is under much better lighting, he takes a deep breath, astonished. They are like two peas in a pod. Their hair, their face shape, their eyes, their expressions – everything. The slightly more feminine features of Haruka do nothing to distract from the similarity.

 

“You can judge for yourself, but if you ask for my opinions…” Makoto says quietly, looks directly at his eyes. “You two are a splitting image of each other.”

 

Shimazaki nods wordlessly and inspects the photo some more. However, he’s able to notice a shift in the atmosphere. The air seems to feel heavier now as the other three look anxiously at Makoto’s emotionless face, who stares at the ground, seemingly to be deep in thoughts. Feeling like he should lighten the mood up somehow, Shimazaki decides to ask another question. “But I probably don’t sound like Haruka-san, do I?”

 

“Oh, of course not!!” Rei waves his hands. “Haruka-senpai is a woman!!”

 

“She dressed like a guy anyway, though.” Rin chuckles. “She started doing that thing in middle school or something. I didn’t know what to say when I came back to this country in high school and saw Haru with the short hair and male clothes.”

 

“I was surprised, too!!” Nagisa exclaims excitedly. “Especially that she used to be so girly-looking back in elementary… Long hair, cute dresses and all that!!”

 

“And no matter how many times I asked why she suddenly presented herself like that, Haru never answered.” Makoto shakes his head fondly. “She kept changing the subject and said that she looked cool that way.”

 

“But Haru-chan did seem really cool, right?!” Nagisa fidgets in his seat. “Not just her looks, I’m talking about how she acted, too!! She suddenly seemed like a gentleman, a very aloof one at that, but still!!”

 

“That’s right, Nagisa-kun! I can still remember how Haruka-senpai would receive Valentine chocolate and sometimes got confessed by the girls that didn’t know she was also a girl. She got almost everyone fooled!!”

 

The conversation gradually becomes much livelier as the men, even Makoto who tends to stay quiet on anything Haruka-related, start to reminisce on their memories about her. They keep laughing and looking very happy all the while, talking with nothing but the fondest expressions. Shimazaki doesn’t have to be too observant to notice the affection they all have for her. Yet, he can also tell that Makoto has the most things to say about her and he tends to space out, gets lost in the memories before resuming to the conversation. He’s definitely the closest to Haruka, and probably has feelings beyond platonic for her. Or maybe not? Shimazaki doesn’t exactly trust his observations, and something inside his head is telling him that it’s not the case.

 

He suddenly realizes that he has been thinking of Haruka as a woman all the while, based on how everyone refers to her as a “she”. However, as he’s noticed when he put on her clothes that one time – Makoto later took him out shopping for some new clothes despite his insistence that he didn’t have to, Haruka’s clothes were completely masculine. If she really was a girl, or at least thought of herself as such, she wouldn’t have chosen clothes that didn’t have an ounce of femininity in them, given that people would certainly assume that she’s a boy. He doesn’t want to tell this to them because he’s rather scared of their reaction to what he says, but Shimazaki is very sure that Haruka disliked being seen as a girl and wanted to be a boy. Nagisa even mentioned that she – no, _he_ – acted like an aloof guy, so it seemed he also made an effort in building up a masculine personality; but based on how everyone still refers to him as “she”, he probably didn’t tell anyone about this aside from the outer presentation. Shimazaki doesn’t even know how he comes up with all these thoughts and how he’s so sure about this.

 

_‘Because deep inside, you **know**.’_

 

Shimazaki widens his eyes. A voice appears inside his head again, just like in the dream he had the first night here. But when he concentrates and tries to look for it, he can’t hear it anymore. Ah, yes, that’s a whole other issue with the weird voice and the flashes of memories inside his head. He first had the random flash of memories in the falling downstairs incident, and when Makoto didn’t pay attention, he secretly hit his head on the bathroom wall. It hurt as hell, but he managed to catch some more memories. He remembered that he had a fondness for art, and water. He likes water so much that he sometimes would strip his clothes and jumps to the nearest source of water nearby, which was also why he used to be in a swimming club. But other than that, nothing else returned. Shimazaki contemplates hitting his head twice or thrice again just to see if that would always work, but then decides not to do that. If he’s too careless with that, he will probably injure himself again and he can’t afford to have Makoto bear that heartbreaking expression as he worries sick for him.

 

He looks up to see that he’s been lost in his thoughts for a long while, and the three men are excusing themselves to go home. As he escorts them through the doors, he notices Makoto pulling out his ringing phone and tenses up a bit at the caller’s name.

 

“Shimazaki-kun.” Makoto calls him, his expression serious. “Please come upstairs first. I have an important call I must take care of.”

 

“I understand.” Shimazaki replies and obediently comes upstairs as he’s told, faintly hearing Makoto addressing the caller as ‘oba-san’.

 

============

 

“Good evening, oba-san.” Makoto holds the phone close to his ears, feeling his heart ache. He hasn’t been in contact with Haru’s mother or her parents as a whole ever since her death. They moved out of the country not long after that, saying that they couldn’t bear being in a place that would just remind them of their daughter. Makoto completely understood their feelings, because he also quickly moved out of Iwatobi and went to Tokyo, under the excuse of university; while the truth was that everything in that small town screamed Haru. He doesn’t think there is any place that they haven’t been to and visited before, so no matter where he goes, Haru’s shadow looms over him and keeps him crying.

 

_“Good evening to you too, Makoto-kun.”_   Haru’s mother replied with a careful tone. _“How… How have you been lately? You must have finished university by now, have you not…?”_

“Yes. I’m actually already working on my own.”

 

_“I knew it… It’s already been so long, after all… I’m so sorry that we’ve never called you even once in such a long time, Makoto-kun.”_

“No, no, please don’t say that. I’m also at fault for not ever calling you despite having your number…” He quickly assures them and hesitantly asks. “If I may ask, why do you call me now?”

 

She goes quiet for a long while, and when she finally answers him, her voice is cracking so much he seriously regrets even asking that question.

 

_“When you said that you are working on your own, I was happy for you, but the truth is, I was so jealous… Had she been alive, she would also have had finished her studies and went on working on whatever she loved... I’m so sorry; Makoto-kun, but I really couldn’t help it… It’s so long… so long… and yet, I still can’t forget Haruka… I kept on thinking about how different it would have been if she never suffered from that accident…”_

“Oba-san…” Makoto can also find his own voice cracking. She’s speaking exactly what’s been on his mind.

 

_“I… I called you because, I just want to make sure that you’re still doing well… and, I don’t know how to explain this, but maybe I was searching for something familiar… Makoto-kun, I’m sorry, I must be rambling right now…”_

 

“Please don’t worry. I can’t explain it either, but I feel like I understand you. Oba-san… I also miss Haru.” Makoto swallows his sobs. “I feel like all of us will need a very long time to truly move on from her…” _or never will at all_ , he bitterly adds inside his head.

 

_“You… You’re right…”_ She sniffs a bit before trying to speak more coherently. _“Pardon me for bothering you, Makoto-kun. Please be well.”_

 

“You too, oba-san, please take care. And please send oji-san my hello.” Makoto says one last farewell before hanging up, feeling a heavy weight in his mind. He is actually very sure that he will never be able to move on from Haru. They were together since birth, always inseparable. He doesn’t know if there was any moment of his life that he didn’t spend with Haru – their first words, the first day of elementary school, when they joined the swim club, their first fight, how they immediately made up after… She had always been with him, willing to be the hero for him in his weakest moments and always cared for him… Makoto shuts his eyes to keep the tears from falling out, he can’t afford to cry now, not when he’s about to go to the bedroom with Shimazaki.

 

However, at the thought of Shimazaki, the images of Haru slowly fade into that of his recent moments with the younger boy. Makoto is astonished to find that he’s unable to think of anything but Shimazaki right now. From their first meeting to his face, similar mannerisms and how he hurt himself that one time…

 

_Am I using Shimazaki-kun as a replacement for Haru?!_

 

The mere idea of that scares Makoto to the core. He vehemently tries to deny it, but Haru’s face in his mind fades completely to Shimazaki’s face, and triggers his guilt of pretending to keep the boy here out of kindness, while the truth is that he just wants that similar face, just wants the familiar feelings the boy brings in order to soothe the wounds in his heart. Makoto feels so disgusted with himself for that, but he just can’t help. He grits his teeth tightly.

 

_No. You must not think that way, Makoto. Haru is Haru, and Shimazaki is Shimazaki. It doesn’t matter how much they look alike, they are two different people. If you use him as a replacement for her, it will just be an insult to them both._

 

Staying still for a few more minutes to compose himself, Makoto stands up and walks to his bedroom, every step as heavy as being tied. When he opens the door, he sees Shimazaki sitting up on the futon, seemingly waiting for him.

 

“You haven’t gone to sleep yet, Shimazaki-kun?” Makoto asks.

 

“Makoto-san, there’s something I want to tell you.” Shimazaki replies with an eager look. “I have regained a little bit of my memories.”

 

Makoto is torn between feeling happy for the boy and dreading the day he remembers completely.

 

“Is that so?” Despite the mixed feelings, he manages to put a genuine-looking smile on his face. “What were the things you remembered?”

 

“Well… I really liked art and cooking, but I especially loved water. Just a small amount of water was enough to excite me, and I tended to strip in order to jump to the nearest source of water nearby, but I always wore a swimsuit underneath so it’s okay. I also remembered that I was part of a swimming club, and I think I have been a swimmer up until the day I lost my memories.”

 

Shimazaki tells everything excitedly, but Makoto feels his blood run cold. There has been only one person who loved water to such an extent that he knows, and he doesn’t remember telling that much about her to the boy. _Is he messing with me?_ Makoto tries to search for his face to see if he is lying, but no matter how much he tries to scrutinize, Shimazaki seems completely honest.

 

“Really?! Why would you even strip, Shimazaki-kun?! Thinking about that, it’s just so funny!!” He decides to go along with it and humors the boy.

 

“It sounds weird, doesn’t it? But I couldn’t help, I really love water that much. However, I can’t recall anything more.” Shimazaki’s face saddens a bit and in a moment of impulse, Makoto slowly reaches for his hand and holds it gently. Shimazaki widens his eyes but doesn’t pry away and it only makes Makoto more embarrassed.

 

“You will, some day.” He has to turn his head away because he’s blushing so much in spite of not even knowing why. The hand in his grip squeezes him back.

 

“Thank you. But will it be okay if I still work with Makoto-san even after my memories come back?”

 

The words strike Makoto’s guts and he abruptly turns around to see that Shimazaki is smiling, despite the smile being a small curve of his lips. Makoto finds himself torn between two opposite feelings once more: on one hand, he is incredibly happy that Shimazaki wants to stay with him by his own will, but on the other hand, him being here will inevitably eliminate any chance of Makoto to get over Haru’s death because he will continuously link the two together and expect him to behave like her.

 

“Of course you can, Shimazaki-kun. You’re always welcomed here. But if I may ask, why do you still want to stay with me?”

 

Shimazaki hesitates at that, then looks down on his hands to contemplate the answer. Makoto anxiously waits for him, not even knowing what he is expecting. After a few seconds that feel like hours, the boy looks up once more with an earnest expression:

 

“I like being with you.”

 

Makoto’s face is burning like it’s never been before. Shimazaki’s cheeks also turn a little pink, but he clears his throat and continues.

 

“This sounds weird, I know. But the time I have been with you feels extremely comforting and easing, and makes me contented like no other. I love that feeling, and… that’s why I want to keep staying.” Shimazaki looks at their hands intertwining with a gentle gaze. Makoto has to squeeze his eyes shut to calm himself from the embarrassment. Realizing that he’s just made him uncomfortable, Shimazaki lightly releases his hand from the grip and pats his shoulders.

 

“It’s about time we went to bed, Makoto-san.”

“Shimazaki-kun.” Makoto opens his eyes and looks at him seriously. “To tell you the truth, I… also really lo… like your presence here. That’s why you will always be welcomed in my place.”

 

Shimazaki stares at him then moves closer to him and Makoto gets slightly startled as the boy pulls him to a hug. His face reddens once more, but he hesitantly moves his hands up and hugs him back as well. Shimazaki murmurs a thank to him, then let go and smiles at him before lies down on his futon with his back facing Makoto’s face. Makoto sits there dazed for a little while, then also stands up and lies on his bed, burying his burning face in his hands. If he wasn’t so sure about where Haru and Shimazaki differ from each other, he’s got a clear answer now – the boy is much more openly affectionate than his Haru. He knew that Haru liked him, but she rarely expressed it through words and depended on his abilities to read her to send him what she really meant. With Shimazaki, he says what’s on his mind completely serenely and there’s no mixed signal about what he means. Makoto lets his hands down and takes a breath.

 

_I’m glad… This way, I won’t mix them up with each other._

 

He thinks back about the two once more, how Haru would smile with only the slightest curve of her lips and how Shimazaki smiles more openly, but both smiles make his heart race. The soothing images clear his minds and he soon drifts into sleep.

 

**End Chapter 4.**


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